I tried to be an individual

I was never a person who bowed to peer pressure, yet it still amazes me that I allowed myself to think I absolutely had to be thin to be happy. In high school (yes I know I talk about high school a lot, but it was a really big part of my life) my peers were sleeping around, doing drugs, and getting into all sorts of trouble, I was the one to stand up and say "No, I'm better than that, I don't need your vices." They spent tons of money on designer clothing and getting their nails done, when I wore Wal-Mart clothes and sported the same hair cut since childhood. I wanted to be an individual, and I didn't want to follow trends.

So what the hell was wrong with me when it came to the "thin is in" mentality? I absolutely agonized over my belly. I never tucked in shirts, never wore fitted clothes. As much as I loved shopping, I hated trying on clothes with my friends, because nothing (outside of Lane Bryant) ever fit me nicely. I was so concerned about my double chin, that my neck is now permanently disfigured because of the way I held my head all those years. My parents were never shy about telling me to lose a few pounds, but at least my friends, god bless them, were quiet about it. My girlfriends actually made a point of telling me I was beautiful, and my boy pals really had a passion for reminding me I had a great set of tits.

I'm really not sure why I keep writing these essays. I'm pretty much saying the same thing over and over again...and yet, I feel there is so much more to say!
I wasn't fat because I was lazy or undisciplined. I was in the marching band from 7th to 12th grade, and for at least the last 3 years of that, we marched 4 nights a week for no less then 3 hours at a time. So it's not like I wasn't getting exercise! I'm big because that's what my body wants to be...I guess my bones are big...and how am I supposed to diet my bones away?

So now I'm trying to love my body as best as I can. I wear shirts that don't go down to my knees, I love my black mini skirt, and I've actually bought some sleeveless stuff! Whoopee for me :) I'm trying to fall in love with my body and I'm playing up my assets as best I can.
The most important thing I'm doing differently is, I'm not waiting until I lose weight to have fun. I will love passionately, dress wildly, and laugh loudly. I won't be a wall flower anymore.

I feel sorry for people who live in the gyms. While their working for that perfect weight, I'm out having all the fun that they're missing!
As my Dad used to say, "Thin may be in, but fat is where it's at!"
 

©  1999, Amber Hartman